Uncertainty and Hope

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep."

~ Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, Robert Frost

It's a bit past 3am where I'm at and I sit upon my bed, pondering life and its events. Life has been somewhat of a difficult time lately. I've felt like I've been trudging through a lake of jello, making progress but moving slower than a snail on its death bed. It's okay though. Hard times bring about good thoughts. 

I've mentioned before, in an earlier posting, about the vow I made as a child. If you recall, I referred to it as my Cardboard Box Dream. I've been thinking a lot about that vow lately. Things that have come up have basically left me to compare my life with other peoples (never a good thing to do, by the way) and I've laid awake wondering just how I got to where I am. I'm so close to accomplishing my dreams, or reaching one of the goals I have been talking about since...well, since forever, but things have been trying to keep me from it. A year and a half. Three semesters worth of schooling and I could reach that goal. I can see it. Its so near, yet so far away. 

College isn't an easy thing in general and paying for it is harder, but its worth it. At least, that's what everyone says. I'm still in college so I can't say whether the green grass on the other side is actually worth the walk through the desert that it takes to get there. I trust those who tell me it is, though, so I trudge on. 

I'm getting off point though, well, not really off point...I just took a little narrow ally way off my main point, but it works. I apologize now though for any rambling. I've spent a great deal of this last week thinking, and sometimes when I spend a lot of time thinking I don't always verbalize exactly what I want to say in the correct format. Meaning: forgive my nonsensical babbling. 

Back to the whole cardboard box thing. You may recall me writing that I had reached a point where I wasn't really sure if I was still okay with that vow. I wasn't even sure how I got to not being okay with it; it was just something that sort of happened. This last week, really these last two days, I've spent more than a few hours laying in meditation over that vow. 

I've laid on the floor, staring up at the rotating ceiling fan, or on my bed and gazing up at the string of white Christmas lights that I mainly keep because it's symbolic to me, thinking about life's current trials and what I would do if -for some reason -I could not reach that goal I've been working towards. I cried at the thought of failing, for to give up on my dreams and settle is a failure I have literately sworn that I would not do. I've seen too many of my friends do just that and, though some are happy, they killed their potential. They basically committed suicide. Not physical suicide, obviously, but by giving up on their dreams they killed part of themselves and they no longer have that full flame of passion that they use to. It's a sad sight. I, one who believes so strongly in the idea that anyone can achieve their dreams if they try hard enough, hate to see those who have settled...especially when I know for a fact that some of them could have been great. Wasted potential, that's what I myself consider the worst failure. You can disagree with me if you like, but I myself don't want to be one who gives up on my dreams just because of a 'little' issue. Okay, so it might be a big issue, but still...in my time thinking I've reached a conclusion. I've decided that fail or succeed, I'll be fine. 

I've come up with a backup plan, just in case I don't reach my dream, and I've thought about that cardboard box. You know, I can honestly say, at this point, that if that cardboard box thing ever did happen I'd be content. I'd probably be scared and worried, but I'd be okay. Life isn't easy, but the trails are what makes us stronger and I -as a writer -believe that each new trial (Each new experience), no mater how difficult it may be, holds the potential of being an inspiration to someone else later on. I write to change the world, but to change it I have to know it, and that means taking both the joys and pains of life on with an open mind. Two writings have already come out of my recent trials, it'll be interesting to see what other ones they influence later on down the road.

I'm going to leave you with those two writings, but before I go, refresh yourself on the beginning words of this entry. Those lines, the ones  I opened with, come from a Robert Frost poem (Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening). Now, I'm not going to tell you why I put them there, for that's a mystery you'll just have to ponder over,  but I encourage you to look up the full poem and read it. Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening and Paul Laurence Dunbar's We Wear the Mask have been two poems that have been running on repeat in my mind lately. Good thing about being an English student, there's always some piece of literature that pops into mind when situations arise. 

Now, dear souls, for the poems that I have produced because of recent experiences (Just so you know, this post wasn't at all supposed to be as long as it has turned out to be. I was just going to write a paragraph, give you the poems, and call it good...but the writer in me had other plans).

Uncertainty

The evening light peeks out

From behind the leaves,

Bidding the world a safe night.

Like slowly fading embers

The light ceases to be,

Leaving behind uncertainty. 

Hope

Blue eyes peer at the world

Through a cloud of uncertainty,

Weary ears hear the groans

Of a struggling society,

Soft lips whisper a prayer

For a world lost to conformity,

While small hands wiled a pen

Hoping to remind of unity.