Weeding out the Pessimism

"Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds." 

~Gordon B. Hinkley 

Last week didn't leave me in an optimistic mindset to tackle this week with. It seemed like I kept messing up all last week. And the bad part was that I knew how to do everything I was messing up on. I just, for some reason, couldn't get anything done right. It was a bad week. That's for sure. But it wasn't the end of the world.

When I woke up this morning, I had to force myself out of bed. No surprise there. It's a Monday and I had been up late the night before (partially because of homework; partially because of an annoying main character that refuses to let me figure out the critical point in her life and has a habit of only talking to me when I'm trying to sleep).  Needless to say, I threw on the first clothes my hands landed on in my dresser this morning, and dragged myself to work. I made it through work, although languidly. I felt like a zombie, sitting at the cash register and watching as my fellow students munched on their eggs and hashbrowns. I couldn't have been more relieved when nine o'clock rolled around and I was able to clock out.

A few hours later, I was trying to waist some time before having to go back into work for my second shift of the day. I wasn't feeling all that well about myself. I was so sure I would find some way to screw up my last shift of the day. My self-confidence was low. My expectations were low. My over all mood was low. Then I looked in the mirror...

...and I noticed that the outfit I had randomly chosen that morning was actually pretty decent...

...and I noticed that my curly red locks were actually tame...

..and I noticed that I felt a bit better.

That's when I decided. 

"Okay," I said to myself. "Time for a little confidence boost."

With a couple tweaks to my out fit and hair, and an hour of jamming out to three of my favorite bands, I was suddenly ready to face work again. In fact, I was excited for it. My energy had shot through the roof as Toby Mac's Steal My Show, played through my mind. Still, I wasn't completely optimistic. I'm ever hardly completely in a good mood. I know that sounds sad, but I can't help but see the bad that accompanies the good. It's like a curse. I see it all the time. No mater what I do, I always have to look at the pros and cons. I always have to examine both side.

When I got to work though...man, nothing could have prepared me for what happened today. It's like Someone, somewhere, knew exactly what I needed that shift to be. I walked into my boss's office, meaning to ask what I needed to do that day, and was greeted by him and my other boss laughing. The grins they wore were so wide that they Put the Cheshire Cat's to shame. 

"That song's still playing," the boss I had gone to talk to said. 

"I know! How long do you think it'll take them to notice?" my other boss said. 

Those two got into their head that instead of an act of kindness they'd do an act of evilness for the day. I'm glad they did though, for it provided quite an amusing scene. They had set the kitchen stereo system to play the same annoying pop-ish song over and over again. It had been on repeat all day, from what they told me, and it led to some friendly joking. 

Then, awhile later, I was in the back of the cafeteria (That's where I work) gathering a bunch of plates and cups for a catering event that's coming up. On the list of supplies I needed to gather for the event, was 100 of these tiny, clear plastic things. I have no idea what they're called. I couldn't pronounce the name of them that was on my list and had to ask where they were. I think, for the sake of this post I'll call them the bowl-cups...because they were sort of like the love child of a cup and a bowl. 

Anyway, I digress. The bowl-cups that I needed were on the top shelf of a rather high shelving unit. And I'm a fairly short girl. There was no way I could reach them. For a moment I considered climbing the shelf to get them, but I didn't really want to fall...or drop the box on my head. So, I turned to my boss -who was still back there from showing me where the weird things were located -and asked him if he knew where a ladder was:

"There's a ladder over there. But there's also a step-stool...somewhere."

"I'll just go find the step-stool (I'm afraid of ladders, okay? I'm weird like that.)."

"Or you could just climb and get them."

"But I don't want to drop the box on my head."

"But I want to see you drop the box on your head."

That sounds like a mean remark, but it was honestly spoken in good humor and he and I laughed about it for a bit. 

The point is, the entire time I spent at work this afternoon was nothing but great. I didn't screw up once, I felt confident the whole time, and it got me to thinking. That happens a lot. 

I'll be having a horrible day or be feeling down, then I'll go to work and -after some time there -everything's better. I asked myself, why that was. The answer's so obvious though. To me, it was, anyways...

...Whenever I'm stressed out, I have the urge to clean..

...Whenever I'm feeling down, I have the urge to clean...

...Whenever someone really ticks me off, I have the urge to clean...

...Cleaning...working...is coping for me. 

When I work, I don't worry. My brain blocks out all other problems, locking them away in a closet and declaring them dead. And, I throw all my emotions from those problems into cleaning and organizing. And, in the end, I'm left feeling content. After a good cleaning or work session, I feel pride. I can look around and see that I accomplished something. And that's a great feeling. Especially after a week where everything went wrong. 

I have three main outlets in life. Three main ways that allow me to step away from the world and think; that allow me to weed my mind until only roses and morning glories are left. Those three ways are:

1. Walks 

2. Cleaning/working

3. Writing 

All three of those are normally accompanied by music of some sort. Take this moment, for instance. It's eleven at night. I should be sleeping because I have another work shift in the morning, but my mind is busy. So I'm writing. I'm blogging and listening to music. And I can almost guarantee you that when I'm done here, my mind will feel like a weight has been lifted from it and I'll be able to sleep. I already feel more relaxed than when I started writing this post.  

This post may not be turning out the way I thought it would. It may not be deep and profound, but -you know -that's okay. What maters is that it's written. 

I opened this post with a saying by Gordon B. Hinkley that says, "Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds." That statement was true for me today. It's been true in the past and I'm sure it'll be true in the future. When you work hard, you get good results. I got optimism out of it. I got confidence and laughter. Those weeds that Hinkley's talking about...don't let them overgrow the lawn of your life. Don't let them strangle the optimism out of you. I guess, what I'm saying, is find an outlet. We all need outlets. We all need ways to cope. Ways to escape and think. I've found some that work for me and every time I use them I'm left to marvel at all the good they do for me. 

I don't know who you are. I don't know your stories or what plagues your life. But I do know the help a good outlet can be. Notice I said GOOD. Find a positive outlet to let out your stress and, every time you rise above the darker emotions, rejoice. 

Removing the Mask

Someone, somewhere, once said that it's the little things in life that mater the most. That when we're down for the count, and the whole world's been raining on our parade, it's the little things that have the power to put a smile on our face. I wish I could tell you who that person was, but I can't. I don't know, and I'm not going to pretend to. Whoever that Aristotle was that first spoke those words is unknown to me, but I do know that he -or she -was a wise person. 

I'm as human as the next person. I have a heart, a soul, and a mind. I smile and cry. I get excited and depressed. I'm confident and self-conscious. I have to make hard choices and live with the consequences. That's just the way life is for us humans. We go through things. we experience things. And, we react to them. Often times, we pretend to be people we're not, so that others don't know how broken we truly are.

We like to think that we're supposed to have it all together. We like to think that we're supposed to have it all figured out.  But, part of the human experience is figuring it out. It's experiencing and learning. It's choosing. And sometimes we need help. Though most of us don't like asking for aid; we see doing so as a weakness. Yet, sometimes all you need to solve life's puzzles is a friendly ear. 

I'm one of those people that consider asking for help to be a last resort. I don't ask for it unless absolutely necessary. I figure it's my life and I'll be the one to handle what happens in it. But, you know what, I don't know everything. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I get caught in society's snares. Sometimes it even feels like all I do is make mistakes.

We can't let mistakes hold us back though. And we can't hide behind masks. Those oh so beautifully decorated masks that we make for ourselves in order to keep our true selves safe from the judgmental eyes of the world. The world is judgmental, that's something I believe every human can agree on. We may bicker over religion and rites, but we can't deny that humankind likes to judge each other. And, knowing this, we fear being found out. We fear allowing ourselves to open up to the world. So we carve our masks and hide behind them. 

In the late 1800's a poet named, Paul Laurence Dunbar wrote a poem titled We Wear the Mask. Said poem captures the human need to wear a mask perfectly. Granted, Dunbar wrote it -according to critics and professors -about slavery, but I believe it speaks for all mankind. After all, we're all slaves in a sense. All slaves to the need to show ourselves to society as she deems fit. All slaves to the fear of being ourselves (At one time or another we all had to chose weather we'd conform or stand out). 

The first time I read Dunbar's We Wear the Mask was my sophomore year of college. I had found it intriguing then and actually spoke about it in class (to the great shock of my professor). After the recent events that have taken place in my life, it has crept it's way back into my mind. I've been reciting it to myself for awhile now, and I feel the need to share it with you: 

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes, -
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile, 
And mouth with myiad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while 
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath out feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask! 

There are very few people that I completely remove my mask for. Most people I come in contact with only know bits and pieces of me. Only one of my friends knows every little thing about me. After making a particular hard decision, I called this friend to talk. I removed my mask and told her everything that was troubling me, and there's been a lot lately. 

Like the true friend she is, my friend listened to me and offered advice. A couple nights later I sent her a text, asking her why I felt the way I  did concerning the situations I had told her about. Her response was simple, but it was the best one she could have gave. She told me, and I quote, "Because you're human." 

She wasn't the only one that's given me advice lately. I've been told a few things that will stay with me forever. But what she said got me thinking and I realized that somewhere over the last year (not even a year, the last six months) I had decided to replace the mask on my face that I had removed. I had decided to play it cool and be a people pleaser. And I wasn't happy with that. I wasn't content playing a role that wasn't mine to play. And when I read her words, I thought....

She's right. I am human. And this is my human experience, and I'm going to experience it the way I want to. The way that I feel is right. Thanks to her, and some others, I was able to make a difficult choice and feel content with it. 

As soon as my Christmas break is over, I'll be retieing (Yeah, I don't how to spell that word) on the Never Take It Off bracelet I bought. Not because I need to retie on the vow that I made when I first put the bracelet on, but because it'll serve as a reminder. Every time I feel down, feel like I can do something, feel like life's against me, and every time I start questioning myself and the choices I've made, I'll be able to look down at my right wrist, see that dragonfly bead, and remember my vow. 

You may be wondering what my vow is, but I can't tell you. That's sort of the whole point of the bracelet/vow. It's a personal vow. Know one needs to know what it is except for me (though I've given you enough clues as to what it is). With that vow, though, and some help from my friend, I'm going to make 2014 a great year. I'm going to say no to the mask and allow the little things in life to lift me up when I'm down. I'm done pretending. I was done along time ago, but this is me reclaiming myself. This is me standing up, taking my vow, and facing the world head on. 

Here's to a great 2014, everyone. Let's make it the best. Together. No more masks. No more pretending. Let's rise up and celebrate. Let's be the outcasts. We are empowered.

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NOTE: Never Take It Off is an online shop that's about making personal vows and keeping them. To read more about it, check out their site http://nevertakeitoff.bigcartel.com/