Monday, December 29, 2014

Dilly Daddleing with Dabbles

Dabble #1: Stumbling Toddler 

                She sleeps all day and parties all night. Her only care in the world is making sure she makes it into work on time so she can pay the rent. Because paying rent is what being an adult is about, but there’s more to adulthood than bills. More than moving out and exercising freewill. She thinks she’s all grown up, but she’s really a stumbling toddler playing with electrical sockets.

Dabble #2: Walking Corpse 

                My hands are cold without yours to keep them warm. My soul is freezing more by the moment as the days of our separation tick by. I fear that there may be no thawing it. With each passing moment I can feel myself changing. Feel my life force draining. Where are you? Where have you gone? And why have you left me a walking corpse?

Dabble #3: Everything She Dreamed Of 

                She thought she had wanted to leave. She was a small town girl enticed by big city lights and wishing, as she leaned against that cold window, that she was anywhere but there. Traffic, coffee, more opportunities, less cotton, no corn fields…it was all she had ever dreamed of. Everyone at home were settlers, but not her. Oh no, never her. She wasn’t like them. Those rednecks. Those hics. She wasn’t a hillbilly or a cowgirl. She was meant for more. Dreamed of more. Nothing but joy had been felt the day she had packed her belongings and shipped out. Yet, the room was cold and so was her soul. Her heart ached. Her soul cried out in pain. What was wrong with her? Why did it hurt so much? The apartment was perfect, her job was satisfactory, her life was the hectic hustle and bustle she had dreamed of, and yet she wished that she could walk across town at night without the fear of being mugged. She wished to go to the beauty salon to sip lemonade and gossip about Sally and Joe. The big city was everything she dreamed of, but not all that she hoped for.

Dabble #4: Churches 

                Big churches with multiple services…it’s so easy to get lost in them. Sink into a back pew, do your time, and leave without once being noticed. Simple. Easy. The hardest part is navigating through the masses. So many bodies. So easy to disappear. So few with identities. They were perfect for some, but not for all. A small church, now that’s built on connections; it's built on identities. Everyone knows everyone and they even know things about you before you know them. No peace. No quite. No escape. Getting out is easy, it’s getting to the door that’s the hard part. Everyone wants to talk. Everyone wants to ask, “How have you been?” “Where have you been?” “Are you feeling alright?” “Can I pray for you?” Religion, you think, is built on the concept of a relationship. A relationship with the Creator. So why not have those connections. Still…it’s so easy to disappear in those big churches and sometimes invisibility is nice. No church is perfect though. Churches are made up of humans and humans are far from perfect. Yet, as you walk through the aisles of your home church, that small town church, and think about the big one you sometimes attend, you can’t help but think; big churches have the masses, but small ones have the faith to feed them.


Dabble #6: To be Someone 

                All this hustle and bustle and yet no one’s going anywhere. Stop lights, coffee, heated words, clacking heels, and roaring engines. Everyone’s trying to get somewhere but no one’s moving. Stuck on life’s treadmill they go on, trying to give time they don’t have and steal what little they can for a few seconds of sanity. In the end they all end up in the same place. In their beds plotting to do the same the next day. Meaningless is what their existence has become. Exceptional is what they desire it to be. They push and shove, they elbow people out of their way. They run on the treadmill of life so they can climb the ladder, so they can leave a mark behind. Because everyone wants to be someone before they die. 

Dabble #7: Sound and Fury  

                “It’s all sound and fury,” the professor rephrased the great playwright and for the first time in years the student felt that she finally understood those words. No matter how much she learned, no matter how many books she read, no matter how many exams she passed, in the end it was all sound and fury. It was all nonsense. It was all meaningless. What mattered wasn’t grades or that coveted piece of paper saying she graduated. What mattered was passion. And she had lost it. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Class Murmurs

Class is not a place one might call heaven. In fact, I think many people, if they had to give it a name, would call it the exact opposite. Class is where you go to learn. To sit quietly and stare at white boards or to have in depth intellectual conversations. Class can sometimes be funny and can sometimes be the perfect forty-five minutes you need for a nap. Sometimes it can be worth your time and other times it can feel like it'll never end. Regardless, one of the best things about class is classmates.

I'm a humanist. My area of study falls under humanities and I am obsessed with the human condition and experience. I think one can learn more about life and why people do what they do by watching people and reading literature than by sitting in a classroom, listening to professors drone on about topics I, frankly, sometimes can't care less about.

When I get in those ruts where I would rather be anywhere but in class, I do something that professors would probably not recommend. I tune the professor out. My attention shifts. I won't care about the numbers on the screen in front of me, the formulas, the theories, the dates, the Acts and treaties,..I won't care about any of it, especially if I feel that I already know the concept being explained to me. Yet, I do care about what's taking place around me.

My attention moves from the lesson to my peers and sometimes I catch little bits of conversations that make me smile. I have to admit, though, no mater how cruddy I'm feeling I always pay attention in my literature classes. I credit this to having an interest in and caring about the topics in those classes. Also, literature professors are the best professors. They're quirky, they're weird, they're entertaining, and we love them because of it. They make class interesting, and some of the tid-bits of conversation I'm about to give you actually came from a few of my English professors.

I like to keep a record of some of the more interesting things I hear in class; things that put a smile on my face or illicit a reaction from me. I scribble them down in my notebooks, on napkins, on candy wrappers...on basically anything I can reach and is able ot be written on. Then, the ones I don't accidentally misplace throughout the day get put into my handy dandy notebook (yes I did just quote Steve form Blue's Clues. Don't Judge me!).

The following is a list of some of the quotes I've managed to save through what part of this semester has gone by. Half way through the semester and I don't have nearly as many quotes as I normal do, but hey some of them are golden. I only hope they can brighten your day as much as they did mine on the days that I heard them. After all, sometimes the best medicine is a little smile or laugh.


Statistics Prof: You need to by a calculator. TI-83 or 84. I don't want you doing anything in here by hand.
Guy 1: Did he just say we're only allowed to use calculators? Not do math by hand? 
Guy 2: Yeah.Guy 1: Wow..I may actually pass this class.




Shakespeare Prof: Use that as a bookmark. Books are really good at storing things.




Guy: I just wrote '1' twice.
English Prof: That's alright. You're an English Major. You don't have to be good with numbers.




English Prof: I took the essay off the test.
Class: Awwwww.Prof: English majors know how to bluff their way through essays.
Girl:That's what we were banking on. 
Prof: I know. I was an English major once too. I know how this works.





Guy in Statistics class: Screw this! I'll just drop out and become the Joker.


Shakespeare Prof: Help me with the math. I'm a humanist, not a mathematician.


English Prof: What about Furry? 
Class:...
Prof: Micheal Furry...the fiancee...
Class: Ooooooh.
Girl: We thought you meant Nick furry and I was wondering where he came into Irish Literature. 





Shakespeare Prof: Indecision is the key to flexibility.





Girl: When you only need ten points it's really hard to motivate yourself into going to chapel. 


Saturday, August 16, 2014

300 Things that make me Smile

1. When there is a full moon.

2. When someone does my hair.


3. Mozzarella sticks.


4. Lemonade


5. Buying new clothes.


6. Jeans that fit perfectly.


7. Going though old pictures.


8.Rereading old journal entries and realizing how strong I am.


9. Starbucks with my best friend.


10. Listening to music on road trips. 


11. ihop Pancakes. 


12. Doing nothing. 


13. Being organized. 


14. Spending  time with my friends. 


15. Spending lots of time with my friends. 


16. Staying up all night on the computer.


17. When my hand gets warm from holding coffee.


18. Wearing a dress with converse.


19. Laughing uncontrollably until my stomach hurts. 


20. Mac n' cheese.


21. Over sized hoodies.


22. When a song describes my situation perfectly. 


23. Spending the day watching chick flicks. 


24. Getting butterflies on the first day of class. 


25. Going tubing. 


26. Boys who drive trucks.


27. The smell of fresh cut grass. 


28. Getting a package.


29. Getting a letter. 


30. Stocking up on Bath and Body works products. 


31. Carrying hand sanitizer everywhere I go.


32. When a little kid reaches to hold my hand.


33. Lunch at subway. 


34. Disney songs.


35. Having a bunch of books to read.


36. When a song brings up a good memory.


37. The stars.


38. Meowing at a cat and it meows back. 


39. Having a conversation with my pet bird.


40. Baking a cake.


41. Men with nice muscles.


42. Mini cupcakes.


43. Handwritten letters.


44. Feeling confident. 


45. Relaxing outside.


46. Dancing around my bedroom when no one is watching.


47. Cuddling with a pet. 


48. Loose sweatpants. 


49. Glimmering water.


50. Starbucks during the fall.


51. Feeling free.


52. Laughing until I cry.


53. A new pair of shoes.


54. Fresh, warm, cookies.


55. Christmas desserts. 


56. Rereading old texts.


57. Singing in the car.


58. Snow in my hair.


59. Shopping for books.


60. Having conversations with the random people I meet at stores and on walks.


61. Keeping a journal. 


62. Extra buttery popcorn.


63. Watching the rain.


64. City lights.


65. Receiving a flower. 


66. Having a good time with friends. 


67. Going to concerts. 


68. Wearing a cute dress. 


69. Waking up and realizing I have more time to sleep. 


70. Halloween jewelry. 


71. Sunny, windy days. 


72. Hot chocolate.


73. Carrot Cake.


74. Apple pie.


75. Apple butter. 


76. Cinnamon candles.


77. Making s'mores. 


78. Black cats.


79. Breaking out an extra blanket. 


80. Pumpkin pie. 


81. The harvest moon. 


82. Autumn sunsets.


83. Sitting on a tailgate.


84. Country music stations.


85. Being surrounded by nature.


86. Thunderstorms.


87. Hot cinnamon rolls with chili.


88. A warm summer breeze. 


89. Classic rock music. 


90. Being different.


91. Sunny mornings. 


92. Rainbows after a storm.


93. Finding a lady bug. 


94. The smell of coffee. 


95. Black veil Brides.


96. The sound of rain. 


97. Camping. 


98. Noticing the beauty of life.


99. Aquariums. 


100. Chasing my dreams.


101. Sleeping while it rains. 


102. Finding a new song I like and listing to it on repeat.


103. reading while it's raining. 


104. Shopping for new summer clothes.


105. When the Christmas tree is the only light in the room.


106. The smell of food in the oven. 


107. Listening to music. 


108. Open roads.


109. The changing of the leaves.


110. The quietness of the country. 


111. Sitting in the back of a pick up truck. 


112. Clear skies. 


113. Sunny skies.


114. Pitch black nights. 


115. Lightning bugs.


116. Porch swings.


117. Fresh air.


118. Boot-cut jeans.


119. Cornfields.


120. Mason jars.


121. Canning season.


122. Shucking corn. 


123. Bonfires. 


124. Nascar. 


125. Dirt roads.


126. Morning dew.


127.Crickets at night. 


128. Small towns.  


129. Country morals.


130. Hay rides.


131. The last day of school.


132. Perfect hair styles.


133. Sharpies. 


134. Walking into an air conditioned room on a hot day. 


135. Getting a funnel cake at the fair.


136. Eating oreos. 


137. Laundry right out of the dryer.


138. When a cat purrs. 


139. Wearing fuzzy socks.


140. Fresh fruit. 


141. Cotton candy.


142. Finding money I forgot I had.


143. Curly fries.


144. Amusement parks. 


145. The coziness at Christmas time. 


146. Being able to sleep in. 


147. Having the house all to myself for a day. 


148. Heart-to-heart conversations with my closest friends. 


149. Being on a dock. 


150. Tire swings. 


151. Chocolate covered pretzels. 


152. Spending time with mom. 


153. Watching dad play video games.


154. Soft pretzels.


155. Strawberry flavored cupcakes. 


156. Syrup pancakes. 


157. French braids.


158. Colorful sunsets. 


159. Water balloon fights. 


160. Girl scout cookies.


161. Tight hugs. 


162. Lazy days.


163. Doing crazy things with friends.


164. Having a nice day.


165. Coloring with sidewalk chalk.


166. Sleepovers.


167. Loose shirts.


168. Sleeping on freshly washed sheets.


169. Eating donuts. 


170. Eating gushers. 


171. The smell of cologne. 


172. Photography.


173. Writing.


174. Fruit smoothies. 


175. Hawaiian Pizzas. 


176. Naps.


177.Thinking back on my childhood. 


178. Snow cones.


179. Messy buns.


180. Dandelions.


181. Girls night out. 


182. The smell of flowers. 


183. Drinking pina-colada Fuze. 


184. The smell of coconut.


185. Popsicles.


186. Eating junk food. 


187. Thinking back to how far I have come in a year. 


188. When people compliment my outfit. 


189. Men with blue or brown eyes. 


190. Finishing a good book.


191. The smell of a new book.


192. Sitting down on warm pavement. 


193. Adding new songs to my ipod. 


194. When guys are taller than me. 


195. Spending time with family.


196. Getting notifications.


197. Breakfast for dinner. 


198. Ice cream for dinner. 


199. A clean room.


200. Getting lost in a book.


201. Having a mini worship service alone. 


202. Being told I'm good at what I love to do. 


203. Feeling infinite.


204. A child's laughter. 


205. The first drop of a roller coaster ride.  


206. The cold side of a pillow. 


207. A scent that brings back good memories. 


208. Seeing how in love my parents are with each other.


209. Seeing an old couple holding hands. 


210. Rereading my favorite book.


211. Jumping off a swing.


212. Watching my family.


213. Game nights with my siblings. 


214. Chocolate covered popcorn. 


215. mom's no-bake cookies. 


216. When dad turns a movie into a valuable lesson. 


217. My parents' silly arguments.


218. Seeing that look of pride in my dad's eyes.


219. Being able to tell mom everything. 


220. Walks around my hometown with my grandma. 


221. Going through the family ancestry and finding a long dead relative that looks like a living one.


222. Finding out my passion was genetic. 


223. Seeing my parents in my grandparents. 


224. When dad worries about me. 


225. Mom's little reminders on living a good life. 


226. The way dad smiles when he looks at mom. 


227. The way mom smiles when she looks at dad. 


228. Sister nights.


229. Giving life advice to someone younger. 


230. Receiving life advice from someone older. 


231. The smell of lilacs. 


232. The horrible taste of fresh picked rhubarb. 


233.Homemade kool-aid Popsicles and slushies. 


234. Watermelon seed spitting contests. 


235. Wearing a jacket with shorts. 


236. Swimming in a lake.


237. My brother's passion for our family. 


238. My little sister's boldness.


239. The brilliance of a bird's feathers.


240. Playing fetch with dogs. 


241. Hair products that work.


242. Vanilla wafers.


243. Sour cherry candies. 


244. Moist dirt. 


245. Late night talks.


246. That shy feeling I get around cute guys.


247. Having conversations with my characters.


248. Listening to my parents tell stores about their younger years.


249. Disney movie marathons.


250. Long walks. 


251. Cold drinks. 


252. Watching movies with friends.


253. Falling asleep to music. 


254. Getting into the zone when writing. 


255. The sound of a fan. 


256. A bird's song. 


257. Taking care of an animal. 


258. Falling asleep with a pet curled up by me.


259. Loosing track of time because of getting lost in a game or book. 


260. New Notebooks.


261. Starting a new journal. 


262. Bubble baths. 


263. Singing in the shower. 


264. Hot showers. 


265. Comfy pajamas.


266. Texts from my friends. 


267. Having a dreamless sleep.


268. Being so tiered that I fall asleep as soon as I lay down. 


269. Dreams so good that I don't want to leave them.


270. Christmas shopping. 


271. Mom's home cooked food. 


272. Watching soap operas and talk shows with Grandma. 


273. Waking up completely refreshed. 


274. Watching my uncles interact. 


275. Realizing my siblings and I are a lot like our parents and their siblings. 


276. Family reunions. 


277. My dad wishing he could fix everything. 


278. My mom's old morals.


279. Warm fires during winter.


280. Burnt hot dogs.


281. The smell of fire. 


282. The sound of fireworks. 


283. Meeting new people in the bookstore. 


284. Seeing someone read a book I love.


285. Reading a letter I wrote to myself years ago. 


286. Swapping gaming tips with my friends.


287. Geeking out. 


288. Finding something Batman themed. 


289. Building a beautiful house on Sims. 


290. Decorating a room. 


291. Going on a bike ride. 


292. Singing while cleaning. 


293. Character sketching. 


294. Seeing one of my characters develop. 


295. Driving down an open road with the windows down. 


296. The smell of alfalfa. 


297. Talks with my good friend Tina. 

298. Being able to tell my best friend everything. 


299. Knowing that I'm not cool and being okay with it.


300. Finding that perfect pair of shoes. 


Monday, August 11, 2014

A Fork in the Road

Hello world. It's been too long since I've updated this blog. I'm not going to lie and say it was because I didn't have time. I'm not even going to give you the poor excuse of being uninspired. The truth is, I've had plenty of ideas of things to put on here, but I've pushed it off because I've found myself laying in the gutter.

My life has been nothing short of stressful lately. My thoughts have been plagued by the future and how the path before me is lacking illumination. I don't know what's going to happen, and I keep having dreams that I'm going to screw it up. With my anxiety and stress levels high, it's hard to keep a positive outlook on life. I must brag a bit though, I have managed to keep my cool. My temper is not something I've lost due to this stress. Of that, I'm proud.

I have to say though, it's been tough. There's been a lot of changes taking place in my family this summer and a lot more lurking around the corner. Dealing with change has never been easy on me. It's always been...difficult, to say the least.

In these stressful times, I've often found myself craving another life. I've actually put down a few books I started reading because I wished I was really going on those adventures instead of laying in bed waiting for the future to hit me.

Two weeks left until school starts...and I don't even know if I want to go back. Sure, my friends are there. My job is there (though I do have another one here, at home). My degree is only a year away. But tuition is high. The stress is high. My doubts are high.

I haven't even started packing yet because every time I think of doing so I get nauseous. What are you supposed to do when you no longer feel like you belong somewhere but you know that if you don't go back you'll never get your degree? And you really want that degree.

I made a promise to myself years ago that I wouldn't be like some other people I know. That I would go to college, no mater how long it took, get my degree and do my best to change the world. I wouldn't settle. Settling for okay wasn't (Read isn't) my thing. But, right now -in this very moment -I want nothing more than to stay in this small town, get a full time position at my summer job, get an apartment, and continue to lead the children's Wednesday/Sunday morning programs at my church.

Why continue? That's what I've been asking myself.

Why go back and try to get the degree I've always wanted when I'm pretty sure my old nemesis Math is most likely going to prevent me from reaching it? Why put myself through an endless cycle of class, work, study when the result might not be the positive one I want? Why take that step when there's an illuminated path sitting right here? There's open doors here that could take me exactly to a life that I wouldn't' mind living.

Problem is, taking that path would be settling. And I don't settle. To quote Catwoman, "I wouldn't be able to live with myself," if I settled. I'd always wonder if I could have passed those two worthless math classes. If that degree could have made a difference. What it would feel like to walk across the stage to get that all so important piece of paper. It'd make me feel weak. Like I was a coward. But at least I'd have my own place, and I wouldn't lose the connections I've made over this summer, and maybe people would stop comparing me to a certain someone. Maybe they'd stop forgetting my name if I was a permanent figure. I could make a life here. I could make it work...but, ultimately, would I be happy?

Probably not.

So what choice am I going to make? Am I going to step onto the dark path or the well lit one? As crazy as it may sound, I'm still leaning towards that dark path...as wonderful and in reach the bright one is. One step. One choice.

You know, someone smart once said that the first step was always the hardest. They were speaking nothing but the truth. As I stare at the two roads in front of me, I'm left to ponder Frost's question. Do I take the well worn one or the one less traveled by? Like Frost -knowing myself as well as I do -I have a feeling that I'm going to take the road less traveled. The road that I'm not sure is safe. The road that scares the living daylights out of me.

If anyone is reading this, anyone at all, I just want to ask for one thing. Could you pray for me? I could really use some guidance right now. And some courage. And a little more self-assurance.

Friday, July 4, 2014

The Flower Man

It was a small town –a small, plain, town that no one would spare a second glance at. There was really nothing special about the place. The streets were cracked, the buildings old, and the downtown was home to the only stoplight in town, which never turned green and guarded a mostly vacant intersection. Regardless of the weather, the stores down town always had business. Though you wouldn’t think it by looking at the mostly empty parking spots that sat before them.

                In the winter, down town was bustling with life. Cars were parked along the roads. People honked in frustration, looking for a place to rest their vehicle. Tempers flew, people cursed, and then smiles were given. No matter how mad you were at another, you always made sure to bring a bit of holiday cheer with you.

                Yet, in the summer, when the days are long and the sun too hot, very few cars could be seen. With shorts and tank tops the townspeople wandered around on foot. Their skin getting gloriously sun kissed. Shop owners loved those days. Their doors would be propped open, box fans would be blowing beside them, and people would wander in for the sake of getting out of the heat or for a friendly chat. It wasn’t about business on those days. It was about community.

                On one such day, near the middle of the hottest season, a couple of kids ran out of the local coffee shop. Their hands held freshly made smoothies in clear cups with large neon straws. Their sneakers thumped as they raced after each other, giggling.

                “Run, run, as fast as you can!” chanted the little boy with a mop of dirty curls. His orange colored smoothie was held tightly in his hands.

                Chasing after him was a girl a bit older than he, with pigtails of the same dirty curls. She had been entrusted with his safety for the hour, while their parents socialized with the coffee shop goers…and the lumberman…and the sheriff…and any other person they happened upon on their way to the town barbeque that was taking place at the town square.

                “Maxie! Slow down!” The girl huffed as the distance between her and her brother grew.

                “You can’t catch me! You can’t catch me!” The little boy did a twirl in the street.

                “Watch out!” the girl screamed just as her brother tumbled back. Baby blues grew wide as he tripped on the cracked street, falling back into a man riding by in his motorized scooter.

                “Woah, careful there,” the man grinned down at the child who had fallen at the wheels of his transportation.

                The girl rushed to her brother’s side. She quickly picked him up, her eyes scanning him for any injuring. The man above them chuckled, and she looked up –knelt on one knee and still holding on to her brother –to see him grinning down at them.

                “Looks like you gave your sister a scare there, little man,” the skin around the man’s eyes crinkled with glee. His face was folded, as were his hands, from the years he had endured. There was nothing more than a small wisp of snowy hair atop his otherwise bald head. Freckles covered his face, and spread down his neck, like someone had splattered chocolate across his flesh. His brown eyes twinkled at the children.

                “Sorry, mister,” the girl apologized as she stood up and drew her brother closer to her.

                The elderly man was a common sight around town. Though neither of the children knew his name. They only knew what they saw daily, and daily he was seen driving around town in his scooter with a bag of groceries and a camera in his wire basket.

                The man chuckled again, his polo covered chest shaking from the force. “Now there, there’s nothing to apologize for.”

                “Sorry,” the little boy mumbled.

                “No blood, no foul,” the man assured again. His smile was so kind that both children found themselves lacking fright. In a town where everyone basically knew everyone, they were standing before a man they had never met. A man who everyone knew of, but didn’t know personally. At least, the children had never heard anyone call him by name. He’d always been referred to as the flower man.

                The man had a reputation in town. Everyone knew of his daily routine. He’d leave his small, one bedroom home early in the morning and spend the entire day riding around town. He’d never go home without a bag of groceries and a new picture on his camera. A new picture of a flower.

                His entire day was dedicated to finding the perfect flower to take a picture of. And it had to be a flower he had never taken a picture of before. He’d ride thought he parks, through down town, by the gas station, pass the police station, by churches and homes. He’d inspect every flower he’d see. But, it would take him hours to find one that he deemed photo worthy.

                No one knew why he did what he did. All they knew was that he seemed to enjoy doing it. There was a rumor that he was a retired nature photographer, and another that he collected photos of flowers. But the most wide spread rumor was that he was a veteran who suffered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That rumor said that he had fought in World War II and that, after seeing all the bloodshed and losing all his friends, that he had come home and started taking pictures of flowers as a reminder to himself that there was still beauty in the world.

                Despite there being rumors, and despite him being a frequent customer of the down town shops, no one had ever asked him of his past. It wasn’t because they didn’t care that they didn’t ask, but that they feared triggering painful memories. They knew not what the man had experienced in his life, and they didn’t wish to inflict pain upon him by inquiring of his experiences.

                “Say, do you two think your parents would mind if I borrowed you for a bit? There’s this flower, in the barrel sitting outside Jenkin’s Hardware, that I’d like to get a picture of,” the man asked. “Problem is, I can’t seem to work my camera today. My hands are old and sometimes my bones down’ want to bend right. But it’s important that I get this picture. Do you think you could help?”

                The brother looked up at his sister, who looked down at him before nodding. “Sure.”

                The man’s smile widened. “Oh good!”

                He lead the children across the street and to an old barrel that sat outside the hardware store. With shaky hands, he carefully handed his camera to the sister and instructed her as to how he wanted the picture taken. “That purple flower there, dear. Get down close, so you can see inside. Not too close now. Back up a little. That should be about right. Now, take the picture.”

                The girl pressed down on the camera’s button. A small click was heard as the shutter was snapped shut. She pulled the camera away from her eye to look at the image displayed upon its screen. “Is this okay, mister?”

                “Yes, dear,” the man praised. “That’s perfect!”

                The man took the camera from the girl and, for a moment he didn’t say anything. He stared down at the picture of the purple daisy. Its petals were soft. The lighting had been perfect.

                “Do you know,” the man spoke up with watery eyes. “Why I take these pictures?”

                The children shook their heads.

                “They say you’re a veteran,” the girl spoke, “that’s wants to see beauty.”

                “They say you’re crazy,” the little boy added.

                “I am veteran,” the man’s smile was sad now, “and I am crazy, but neither of those rumors are right. I take these pictures because my beautiful bride loves flowers. When we were younger I would shower her with flowers. She use to keep the most beautiful garden. Children would flock to our home to gaze into the pond and dance among the rose bushes, but sadly they’ve all stopped coming now. Those children grew up, and had their own children, and made their own gardens, and never come to call. But my bride, she still loves those flowers. She still loves their smell and their beauty. She still loves the way the sun looks on them and the way they can make a person smile.”

                The man paused, shutting off his camera and placing it back in his wire basket. “My bride and I are frail now and gardening is not something we can do. She’s been very sick. Has been for many years. She can’t leave the house now. Can’t even leave the bed. So, I bring the flowers to her. Every day I take a picture of one of the pretty flowers those children that use to roam through our yard have grown, and I stop by the drug shop and have it printed out, and I give it to her. You should see her smile,” he beamed. “Ninety-four years old and she still looks as pretty as she did when we were sixteen. My Elma Mea. My lovely bride.”

                The children didn’t know what to say, so they stood silent until they saw their parents leaving the coffee shop. The adults caught sight of them right away and crossed the street to meet them.

                “Well you two didn’t get very far,” the mother announced.

                “I’m sorry, Sally,” the old man greeted the woman, “Your daughter was just taking a picture for me.”

                The mother’s eyes softened. She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by the man, who said, “I should be going now. I need to have this picture printed.”

                “You should come to the barbeque,” the father suggested.

                “Oh no,” the man laughed, “All that smoke. Not good for my old lungs. You and your family have fun though, John.”
        
        “Will do, sir,” the father smiled back as the old man began on his way.

                “Daddy, Mommy,” the little boy spoke up. “You know him?”

                “I thought no one knew him,” the daughter stated.

                “Of course we know him,” the mom smiled, her eyes watching the old man as he thanked a young lady for holding open the drug store door for him. “We use to play in his and his wife’s garden.”

                “Mommy?” the little boy asked.

                “Yes, baby?”

                “Could we go see him tomorrow?”

                The woman looked at her husband, who smiled down at their son. “You know what, Maxie, I think that’d be a great Idea.”


Friday, May 23, 2014

Night Storms: A collection of poems

Rain, Rain

Rain, rain,
Come and play;
Wash all the dirt away.

Rain, rain,
Please don’t go;
I need you more than the mountains need snow.

Rain, rain,
Please just stay;
This little soul’s crumbling like clay.

Rain, rain,
Come and play;
I’ll do whatever you say.

Rain, rain,
Please don’t go;
You fill my life with such a lovely glow.

Rain, rain,
Please just stay;
Keep these ugly thoughts at bay.

Rain, rain,
Come and play;
Please don’t ever stray away.

Rain, rain,
Please don’t go;
I’m begging you with a heart of woe.

Rain, rain,
Please just stay;
Hear these words I pray today.


Storm: A Haiku

Lightning breaks the sky.
Thunder roars through the hazy night.
All is basked in grey.


Night: A Haiku

Tiny little lights
Hang within a vacant sky
As the shadows dance.


Nocturne

Tranquil, pretty, void of light
It’s the path to the dreamer’s sight.

Quite, still, vicious little tide

In the shadows is where demons hide. 


(And another poem, which has absolutely nothing to do with the theme that's been carried through the others.)


Teen Girls: A Haiku

Giggles can be heard,
Drifting through locker lined halls,
As a boy smiles.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Life from a Death

It's Easter morning and I haven't slept a wink all night. My thoughts were too alive and I kept thinking about how wonderful it would be to see the sunrise. There's something magical about watching the sunrise on Easter Sunday. Maybe it's the symbolism...maybe it's the way the early morning rays kiss the earth. Either way, it's something glorious to behold.

When I was little my family would go to sunrise services. We'd get dressed up in pretty dresses and suits, pile into our two cars, and head for the lake where that year's sunrise service was to be held at. I have fond memories of those services.

I can remember that I always got cold. I'd stand there, under some park awning or near the waters, in a circle with all the rest of the congregation. My knees would be shaking and my arms would have goose bumps, and I'd watch the sunrise as the pastor reminded us of the importance of Easter...of what it was that took place on that day so many years before.

It's been too long since I've been to a sunrise service.

Last night I couldn't' sleep, but it wasn't because I was reading an enthralling story or watching movies, but because as I laid there -staring out at the city lights in the darkness of the night -I realized that I longed for a sunrise.

I got to thinking about Easter and about Good Friday, I got to thinking about how it's been so long since I last read the Easter story, and I was overcome with the need to experience a sunrise service. Sadly, I didn't know where one was being held, so I made do. I didn't get to gather with a congregation of humans, but I had my own personal service with nature's congregation.

A bit before seven, I threw on some day clothes, grabbed a hoodie, and left my dorm building. The sun wasn't quite up yet but I couldn't wait any longer. I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve night, eagerly waiting for their gifts. I just had to feel that sunrise.

There's a trail that runs by my university, part of it's blocked off right now but I walked some of it anyway. The world was so still. The air chilly. It had an aroma of fresh rain; of rebirth and renewal.

I was almost lead to an early grave by a pair of ducks on my way to the trail and, after that, birds were everywhere. The world may have been still but nature was buzzing.

I kid you not. Blue-jays, Cardinals, sparrows, ravens, and robins were scattered about the trail and lurking in the blooming branches of the trees. There were squirrels running all around and worms wiggling their way across the black trail top. Even the stream that runs along the trail was bubbling with life. It was as if nature herself was praising God on this Easter Sunday.

Even as I sat atop slightly damp grass after walking the trail -writing in my journal as I took in the world -nature did not stop singing. The birds were everywhere, and they were loud. It was glorious.

So long ago, a man -a god (thee God) -sacrificed Himself so that we could all have eternal life. So that we wouldn't have to spend our eternity in the absence of His presence. Think about that. Not only did Christ die for us, but He died so that He and us wouldn't be separated. He died because He didn't wand to live without us; because He wants us to be able to spend eternity with Him.

Romans 5: 6-8 says:
 "For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man, though perhaps for a good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." 
Christ died for us. Christ died for us. Christ died for us. Christ died for us. Do you get that? Do you feel that? How humbling is it to think that the Almighty God came to earth, placed himself in the form of a human, and died so that we may know eternal life. God -a deity (Thee all powerful deity. The one who knows it all. The one who spoke and the universe came into existence) -sacrificed himself so that we might live.

I don't know about you, but that makes me rejoice. Because of Him, my soul doesn't have to be condemned. Praise God for what he's done. He is truly a loving and caring God.




Friday, April 18, 2014

Tupperware Party


You’ve been invited to a Tupperware party

A Tupperware party?


My mom used to get invited to Tupperware parties.

I would always sit there bored, thinking about how stupid they were.

I didn’t understand why dishes could be so fascinating.

I didn’t understand why ladies would throw Tupperware parties;

Why to be a lady one had to sit and look at dishes.

I’m twenty-two now,

And I was just invited to a Tupperware party.

A Tupperware party?

Am I really old enough to be invited to a Tupperware party?

Am I really at that point where I can no longer sit on the side line;

Sit on the side line thinking about how stupid talking about dishes is?

I don’t know what’s worse.

That I was just invited to a Tupperware party,

Or that I actually kind of want to go. 

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Perfect Little Lines


Perfect Little Lines
Dedicated to a little sister who's been going through a lot lately. 

Perfect little lines,
As straight as can be,
Decorating her skin
For eternity.

Faded from years,
But their red is still clear.
Her eyes can still see
What her heart use to feel.

Covered by bracelets,
Those lines use to be,
Yet now they are displayed
For all to see.

The battle was fought,
The battle was won,
And her badge of courage
Shows that it’s done.


Friday, March 7, 2014

Marred Innocence and Other Poems

Lately, the dreaded illness of writer's block has prevented me from working on any of my ongoing chapter stories. In an attempt to cure myself, I've been working one some other, smaller projects. My energy has been turned from those larger works to practicing my skills on short stories and poetry. Thus far, I've written two short stories and three poems. Well, three poems that I will be sharing with you. I've written two others, but I am not at all pleased with them. That's how writing goes sometimes. You write, and write, and write, and some times you end up with the most glorious diamond...yet other times you end up with a piece of writing that you just know isn't going to go anywhere. 

What I have for you this fine night are the three poems I've written lately. I may eventually post the short stories as well. But, for the moment, just enjoy these little writings. They aren't the best I've ever written, but they're decent...in my opinion. 


Marred Innocence

Such a beautiful sight,
An empty page.

White, clean, perfect,
It’s all innocence.

Then along comes an artist,
Pen in hand.

With ink and paint,
They steal the innocent land.

Such a dreadful sight,
The marred page.

Lines, letters, curves,
Gone is its essence.  

Yet what remains,
Shows only truth.

With words and sketches,
The artist speaks to the youth.



Black

Tastes like freshly brewed coffee.
Smells like moist earth.
Sounds like vinyl records.
Feels like ground charcoal.
Looks like an endless starry sky.



Yellow

Tastes like Lemonade on a hot afternoon.
Smells like a field of blooming tulips.
Sounds like a choir of canaries.
Feels like the sun’s warm rays.
Looks like summer.



Sunday, February 23, 2014

Reminiscing On the Good Ol' Times

Traditions. We all have them. Whether they're personal traditions or family traditions. Traditions that we celebrate together or alone. We all have those things that we love to do and do them ritually. My family has a lot of traditions, some of which are nothing more but memories. As my siblings and I grew up, as family members moved and aged, our traditions warped, shifted, changed into new forms. Some died, others are barley there, and still others remain strong.

Growing up, there was a tradition in my home that took place every Sunday or Monday night. Two sports. Two seasons. And parents that us kids would sit down and watch both with. With my mom, it was football. With my dad, it was NASCAR. Both of which, I wasn't insanely fond of.

As a child, I use to get bored watching football and NASCAR. I didn't understand the thrill of chasing after a ball or driving in circles, but I learned the sports. Learned how to yell out at the TV and how to cheer on my favorites. For not caring much, I did have favorites, and my caring for the two traditions grew more as I aged.

Now, at 22, I can honestly say that I like one more than the other. And I can honestly say that I have my favorite team and racer(s). I now enjoy watching the games and races. But its not because I care so much about who wins them. It's because of the memories I have attached to them.

I watch the Superbowl every year. I couldn't care less about catching any of the other games, but that one is a must for me. Likewise, I try to catch the Daytona 500. Those two events were two of the biggest nights in my house growing up. Friends and family use to be invited over for them, and for the races that followed and games that lead up to them. With those gatherings, came those memories.

Like all children, I never thought about how such events could effect my life. I never thought about the memories I would take away from them.

Now, I do.

Today was the Daytona 500, one of the biggest races in NASCAR. Race cars and drivers hadn't been anywhere in my mind until my dad called and said he was watching the race. The sound of his voice as he talked to me about the race brought the urge to watch it. I couldn't remember the last time I had caught an entire race. I'm normally busy or forget about them. But I had time today and it was the Daytona 500...I had to watch it.

Due to a rain delay I actually got to watch last year's Daytona race as well as this years. Two races, two years, same day...and I enjoyed every second of it. Annoyed my roommate a little too, because I channeled my father. By that I mean that all those times watching him and his friends talk to the TV during races, wore off on me...and I found myself doing the same thing. At the end, I actually said, "Man, I sound like my dad." That's a good thing though.

When I think of my dad, I think Pepsi, Sega Genesis (Some of you reading this probably have no idea what that is...look it up, kiddies), Star Trek and Star Wars. I think calloused, grease covered hands, and shirts smelling like tar and anti-freeze. I think summer days in the garage. Nights kicking Sith butt on the Xbox. I think of the man who had to watch The Return of the King before us children in order to make sure it wouldn't scare us, but didn't flip out when I purposely set out to draw a reaction from him with a fake nose ring (By the way, that earned me a reaction from my mother...where I was threatened with being sent to Georgia...I don't blame her though, and actually found her reaction to be amusing. Sorry mom, but it was kind of funny!)

My dad and I have butted heads so many times in the past, but he's one of the most important people in my life. My dad taught me how to ride a bike...an event that lead to me zooming down a slopped sidewalk and fearing that I'd run into something. He taught me how to throw a bunch of random food together in a way that's wonderfully delicious...he taught me how to fix the chain on a bike...how to check the oil in a car...how to deep clean a house (that was a weekly tradition that all of us children dreaded but my mom and dad taught us to do...I still do deep cleaning on Saturdays because of it). And my dad taught me to never give up.

I have so many wonderful memories of my dad. I'm so lucky to have him as my father.

I've been homesick for awhile now. I've been counting the days until Spring break when I can pack a bag and leave this lovely city I'm in for the corn fields of home. Funny how I use to hate those fields -how I use to see them as a barrier -and now sometimes all I want is to see them again. Watching the Daytona tonight was a little piece of home.

For a while during the race, I just sat there thinking. I thought back to this one race I watched back in high school. I think it was in 2008 or 2007. I'm not sure. But I remembered sitting on the green couch that was in the living room of the house that I spent most of my life in, in front of the window. I can see it as perfectly as if it happened yesterday. Light was streaming in from the large picture window behind the couch, the green drapes were pulled to the side in the way that my mom liked them. The light created a glare on the TV, but I liked the golden puddle it left on the floor so I dealt with the glare.

My parents weren't home that day. No one was. I don't remember where they were. But I remember sitting with my math book open, and reasoning to myself that the race was more important than my homework. I remember thinking, "Dad'll want to know who wins." It was the first race that I think I actually completely watched from beginning to end. It was the race that I chose my favorite driver...Jimmie Johnson. I'd tell you why he's my favorite, but I don't think you'd understand. Let's just say I'm a fan of stories and that entire race was a story of him.

That memory is precious to me. Johnson won that race, just so you know, and his niece was born just as he crossed the finish line. I talked to the TV then too, but I don't think I thought about how much like my dad I had sounded at the time. Tonight, though, I did.

While I talked to the TV through this year's Daytona, and cheered on my favorites, I felt like I was at home again. The only thing that could have made it better would have been if my parents and siblings and friends were there. I mean my friends that I use to watch the races with. I do have friends here, in this city, (just to clarify), but I kind of miss the ones I grew up watching the races with. The ones that I use to talk with about how hot Johnson and Gordon were and how we wished they weren't married so we'd have a chance. The friends who I use to talk about how cool it would be to get into Pit row with and meet the drivers with. Those friends that can't really even be called my friends anymore because we're more like family. Like sisters or cousins. We grew up together. Our dads use to tell us how to read the racing stats together.

Then there were our moms. Our moms, just like our dads, are amazing. They instilled in us what I like to call the Pioneer skills. Those skills that all homemakers at one time needed. They taught us to sew, to do crafts, to participate in Church events (that was taught by our dads too. Church was a family thing), and use to tell us stories of the women's retreats they went on. As a little girl, one of the things I looked forward to was reaching the age where I could go to women's retreat with my mom. Sadly, I've only been able to go to one...but it was as amazing as our mothers described.

Like my dad, my mom's taught me so much. She's taught we how mark up my Bible, how to read, how to write, how to sew, how to fix a vacuum, how to properly set a table, how to be a lady. You know how I mentioned all those things that made me think of my dad? Well, when I think of my mom I smell vanilla and  I hear Twila Paris, I see my mom singing along to A Warrior is a Child and driving me to quizzing, and teaching quizzing, and homeschooling me, and giving me my first journal, and reminding me to write in that journal, and going to my Track meets and my cheer leading events (with my dad,), and showing me how a record player worked, and dancing around the living room with my siblings and I to that record player, and telling my sister and I to stop spraying each other with the sink's sprayer. And as I remember sitting on my dad's lap as he read my favorite children's book series to me, Alice in Bibleland, I remember my mom kneeling by my bed and teaching me the Lord's prayer...and singing to me It Only Takes a Spark.

Theses are the memories that last. The memories that are important.

If you can't tell, I've been missing home a lot lately. I can't wait to get back to good ol' Nebraska. Even if it's only for a week. I think what I'm missing more, though is the past. I mean, yesterday I caught myself staring out my dorm window at an empty soccer field...but I wasn't seeing the soccer field. I was seeing a worn wooden eagle's nest, a chain link fence with morning glories growing up it, and an old burn barrel sitting by the garden gate that my dad had made for my mom's garden.

Maybe it's not home. Maybe it's not the past. Maybe what I'm really missing is familiarity. Someplace, sometime, that knew me as well as I knew it. Or maybe it's all three. I don't know. I just know, that this Daytona was needed for me. I needed the memories it brought up. The tears that sprang to my eyes when I thought of them. I needed that happiness, because -honestly -lately I haven't been very happy. I'm at a point in my life where I don't know where I should go from where I'm at. It's not a point of depression or sorrow...it's just a point where I'm trying to juggle all the stuff life throws at me so that I can make it past this step (schooling) and onto the next (graduation).

I don't know where to go from here in this post. Honestly, I didn't plan on making this post as personal as it's turned out. I try to keep the personal stuff in the pages of my journals. I suppose it happens though, and a personal one every once in a while isn't a bad thing. I guess, if any of you were trying to figure out if I was a human or not, now you have you're answer. I'm most definitely human, and I most definitely have memories. And I absolutely, positively, wouldn't trade those memories for the world.

There's a book I like, City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare, where some of the characters are forced to trade in a memory in which they were truly happy in, in order to save the world. If confronted with that decision, I don't think I could make it as quickly as the characters did. There's not a single memory that I can imagine giving up. Both good and bad. Theses memories are what keep me going when I get into ruts. They're what remind me that there are people out there that care for me and want to see me succeed. I couldn't part with a single one of them.

If any of you who are reading this, are the people in the memories that I mentioned today, I want to say thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for giving me such wonderful memories. Thank you for everything. Because, when the darkness threatens to consume me, it's memories like that which save me...which bring smiles to my face. So, thank you. And I love you. Each one of you.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Late Night Ramble

It's eleven at night where I'm at, and I don't really have much to talk about, but I told myself that I would try to update more regularly. So, I apologize in advance if I ramble or this post makes little to no sense.. 

Have you ever had a day that felt like it took ages to end? That's been today for me. It's a Wednesday, and it absolutely felt like a Wednesday. I told myself last night that I would be productive today, that I would get everything on my immediate to-do-list done. I started by going to bed early and making myself get out of bad long before I really needed to. 

I have to admit, I did get everything on my to-do list done, but that was the problem. I had a whole bunch of stuff to do, some of which I had been putting off for awhile, and it got done in a fraction of the time it should have. Both my roommate and I experienced this. 

Time was going by so slowly that, by noon, we had almost everything done. So, we took an hour and went out for lunch and Starbucks. Then I wasted an hour waiting for work and ended up having to waste time at work because I finished everything on my list there before my clock-out time (it didn't help that one of the things I had to do couldn't be done until the very end of my shift...so I had to literally waste and hour and a half between finishing everything else and that thing). 

Then, after work and classes, and lunch, and all that good stuff...I realized that I had nothing else to do. So my roommate and I cleaned our dorm room. And I'm talking about deep cleaned. The only thing we didn't do is vacuum and that's because I have to get a new belt for the faulty contraption. 

So, yeah, that's how my day's been; super productive, but still insanely long. Now it's a bit past eleven and I've completely ran out of things to do. Any normal person would think, "Bed, sleep sounds nice," but I swear I'm nocturnal. By the time it hits ten at night I'm wide awake. Can't sleep. Sometimes I have to write until I'm mentally exhausted in order to sleep, because -no shocker here, most likely -my brain won't shut off at night. It seems to think the dark hours are the perfect time to think about every little thing. Which is kind of why I'm writing to you now instead of laying in bed, staring up at the boring ceiling of my dorm room. This post may have no real point to it, but it keeps me occupied. 

Anywho, this day's been long and I hope tomorrow goes by quicker. I just want the weekend. Got something fun planned. Going to go shopping with a couple friends, and to get some iHop. Really looking forward to that. I need it too. All three of us need it. Some girl time. Sometime to push aside the worries of school, work, love, and life. Sometime to just be us and buy ourselves something (because we're awesome and we deserve it). That's what I keep reminding myself is ahead of me. That's what's getting me through this week. 

Before I go, let me leave you with my favorite quite of the day. My College Algebra professor said this today in class. "That's why you go to college, kids. To learn that zero doesn't equal thirty-six." On a side note, it is slightly humorous that he called us kids, because he's only like two/three/four years older than me.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Jingbang

Jingbang (n.) \ˈjiŋ¦baŋ\:\
 A slang word meaning a company of a crowd.
 Such as in, "The whole Jingbang is here." 

Jingbang is a word that my English major friends and I have recently discovered. Our professor informed us of its existence and we've taken to calling ourselves the English Jingbang (or The Jingbang). It has easily found its way into our vocabulary. Of all the words we are exposed to daily, none have found a place in our everyday talk as easily as jingbang has. At least, none have found their ways so easily in all of our vocabularies. 

Why is this? 

How is it that such a silly word could be adopted so quickly by us while words like esoteric and abderian are known but not used, not adopted?  (In case you don't know, esoteric means, "something that is understood -or known by -a small number of people." Abderian means, "foolish or prone to incessant laughter.") 

Perhaps it is because the word jingbang is so silly that we became fond of it so quickly. It sounds hippy, cool...it's obvious that it's slang. It's a fun word to say. A unique word. A word that -somehow -relates to our personalities. Somehow the word is both fun and scholarly. It's not the most attractive word, but it's a beautiful one.

If you're not in love with the English language, or language in general, (Or if you don't have some sort of wonder and respect for it) you may think me crazy. But, I find Jingbang to be a beautiful word and it's words like it that constantly leave me in awe. Leave me wondering about the mystery of how such words were created. 

I love words; from all languages. So, when I find a new one I tend to look into it. It's definition and origin are the first things I want to know about new words. Naturally, when I heard of Jingbang, I did some research. Sadly, I found no known origin. By the way it sounds, I can only guess at what its origin is.

Such a simple word with a veiled past. I welcome it into my vocabulary.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Weeding out the Pessimism

"Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds." 
~Gordon B. Hinkley 

Last week didn't leave me in an optimistic mindset to tackle this week with. It seemed like I kept messing up all last week. And the bad part was that I knew how to do everything I was messing up on. I just, for some reason, couldn't get anything done right. It was a bad week. That's for sure. But it wasn't the end of the world.

When I woke up this morning, I had to force myself out of bed. No surprise there. It's a Monday and I had been up late the night before (partially because of homework; partially because of an annoying main character that refuses to let me figure out the critical point in her life and has a habit of only talking to me when I'm trying to sleep).  Needless to say, I threw on the first clothes my hands landed on in my dresser this morning, and dragged myself to work. I made it through work, although languidly. I felt like a zombie, sitting at the cash register and watching as my fellow students munched on their eggs and hashbrowns. I couldn't have been more relieved when nine o'clock rolled around and I was able to clock out.

A few hours later, I was trying to waist some time before having to go back into work for my second shift of the day. I wasn't feeling all that well about myself. I was so sure I would find some way to screw up my last shift of the day. My self-confidence was low. My expectations were low. My over all mood was low. Then I looked in the mirror...

...and I noticed that the outfit I had randomly chosen that morning was actually pretty decent...

...and I noticed that my curly red locks were actually tame...

..and I noticed that I felt a bit better.

That's when I decided. 

"Okay," I said to myself. "Time for a little confidence boost."

With a couple tweaks to my out fit and hair, and an hour of jamming out to three of my favorite bands, I was suddenly ready to face work again. In fact, I was excited for it. My energy had shot through the roof as Toby Mac's Steal My Show, played through my mind. Still, I wasn't completely optimistic. I'm ever hardly completely in a good mood. I know that sounds sad, but I can't help but see the bad that accompanies the good. It's like a curse. I see it all the time. No mater what I do, I always have to look at the pros and cons. I always have to examine both side.

When I got to work though...man, nothing could have prepared me for what happened today. It's like Someone, somewhere, knew exactly what I needed that shift to be. I walked into my boss's office, meaning to ask what I needed to do that day, and was greeted by him and my other boss laughing. The grins they wore were so wide that they Put the Cheshire Cat's to shame. 

"That song's still playing," the boss I had gone to talk to said. 

"I know! How long do you think it'll take them to notice?" my other boss said. 

Those two got into their head that instead of an act of kindness they'd do an act of evilness for the day. I'm glad they did though, for it provided quite an amusing scene. They had set the kitchen stereo system to play the same annoying pop-ish song over and over again. It had been on repeat all day, from what they told me, and it led to some friendly joking. 

Then, awhile later, I was in the back of the cafeteria (That's where I work) gathering a bunch of plates and cups for a catering event that's coming up. On the list of supplies I needed to gather for the event, was 100 of these tiny, clear plastic things. I have no idea what they're called. I couldn't pronounce the name of them that was on my list and had to ask where they were. I think, for the sake of this post I'll call them the bowl-cups...because they were sort of like the love child of a cup and a bowl. 

Anyway, I digress. The bowl-cups that I needed were on the top shelf of a rather high shelving unit. And I'm a fairly short girl. There was no way I could reach them. For a moment I considered climbing the shelf to get them, but I didn't really want to fall...or drop the box on my head. So, I turned to my boss -who was still back there from showing me where the weird things were located -and asked him if he knew where a ladder was:

"There's a ladder over there. But there's also a step-stool...somewhere."

"I'll just go find the step-stool (I'm afraid of ladders, okay? I'm weird like that.)."

"Or you could just climb and get them."

"But I don't want to drop the box on my head."

"But I want to see you drop the box on your head."

That sounds like a mean remark, but it was honestly spoken in good humor and he and I laughed about it for a bit. 

The point is, the entire time I spent at work this afternoon was nothing but great. I didn't screw up once, I felt confident the whole time, and it got me to thinking. That happens a lot. 

I'll be having a horrible day or be feeling down, then I'll go to work and -after some time there -everything's better. I asked myself, why that was. The answer's so obvious though. To me, it was, anyways...

...Whenever I'm stressed out, I have the urge to clean..

...Whenever I'm feeling down, I have the urge to clean...

...Whenever someone really ticks me off, I have the urge to clean...

...Cleaning...working...is coping for me. 

When I work, I don't worry. My brain blocks out all other problems, locking them away in a closet and declaring them dead. And, I throw all my emotions from those problems into cleaning and organizing. And, in the end, I'm left feeling content. After a good cleaning or work session, I feel pride. I can look around and see that I accomplished something. And that's a great feeling. Especially after a week where everything went wrong. 

I have three main outlets in life. Three main ways that allow me to step away from the world and think; that allow me to weed my mind until only roses and morning glories are left. Those three ways are:

1. Walks 
2. Cleaning/working
3. Writing 

All three of those are normally accompanied by music of some sort. Take this moment, for instance. It's eleven at night. I should be sleeping because I have another work shift in the morning, but my mind is busy. So I'm writing. I'm blogging and listening to music. And I can almost guarantee you that when I'm done here, my mind will feel like a weight has been lifted from it and I'll be able to sleep. I already feel more relaxed than when I started writing this post.  

This post may not be turning out the way I thought it would. It may not be deep and profound, but -you know -that's okay. What maters is that it's written. 

I opened this post with a saying by Gordon B. Hinkley that says, "Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds." That statement was true for me today. It's been true in the past and I'm sure it'll be true in the future. When you work hard, you get good results. I got optimism out of it. I got confidence and laughter. Those weeds that Hinkley's talking about...don't let them overgrow the lawn of your life. Don't let them strangle the optimism out of you. I guess, what I'm saying, is find an outlet. We all need outlets. We all need ways to cope. Ways to escape and think. I've found some that work for me and every time I use them I'm left to marvel at all the good they do for me. 

I don't know who you are. I don't know your stories or what plagues your life. But I do know the help a good outlet can be. Notice I said GOOD. Find a positive outlet to let out your stress and, every time you rise above the darker emotions, rejoice.